I've always been extremely self conscious. So bad that it keeps me from trying new things that I think I would even enjoy. My fear is that I won't be good at it or that I will look stupid. I guess my real fear is what the people who see me do it will think. Isn't that dumb?!
I suppose that most of us are this way to some degree, of course like me, some of us are worse than others. I'm around people who don't have a problem making a ridiculous face for a picture and posting it on Facebook while I had from the camera afraid that any shot that is taken of me is going to be horrible and embarrassing if seen by anyone! I see people try new activities and fail and laugh at themselves and no one makes fun of them, but I'm completely terrified that I will look so completely ridiculous or do something so horribly that everyone thinks differently of me. Is it just me? Am I the only one who feels this way?
I always did well in school, so when it comes to academics or something that requires me to use my brain I don't really feel this way. Except for English! LOL! My small town Kentucky slang usually shines through! I don't struggle with my self esteem when it comes to these things because there's a way to measure if you're acceptable or not. You're graded, quizzed, and tested all through school. Professionals score you, you're directly compared to the person next to you, you know if you did better, worse, or the same as someone else. After a while, you're able to establish a pattern and you know where you stand. I like that feeling.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I love to craft. I love it and I dabble in a little bit of everything. In the last few months for example, I've made Christmas ornaments, baby hairbands and hair bows, paci clips, bottle cap magnets, wreaths, burlap banners and garden flags and am patiently trying to teach myself how to sew - though it's not real clear if I'll ever be able to sew more than a pillow case! I enjoy making these things and trying new things all the time. But, until recently I've only made things for myself or my mom and sister. I love to craft, but I'm so afraid to put my stuff out there. So scared of the feedback I'll receive or possibly even worse, the lack of feedback! What if no one likes it? What if it isn't good enough?
A few weeks ago my aunt ask me to make a wreath for her friend at work. Of course, I was excited! It gave me a reason to craft! Then as soon as I got started on it the fear set in. What if she hates it? What if it's not what she wanted? I was terrified! But, I made it anyway. Guess what.... she loved it! At least I think she did! And the people in her office, they loved it too!!! You know how I know? I've had a request to make 3 more identical to the first one! What was I so afraid of?
I'm going to try to put it all out there! It's going to be hard and I'll probably talk myself out of it a few times before I go through with it, but I'm going to put some pictures on Facebook or open an Etsy store. I know we all have different tastes and I know not everyone likes the same things and maybe not everyone will like the things I'm making, but as long as I like them, that should be good enough for me. I need to love myself before I can really let other people love me. So, I'll spend more time in prayer about this and trust whatever path God leads me down.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Unselfish "Me" Time
Maybe the biggest lesson I've learned in the three years since becoming a mommy is that taking time for myself isn't selfish!
I work at home and was lucky enough to have family help us out with my son for the first year! It was great having him at home! I was just a room away at all times, I never missed any of his "firsts", and I had no worries about his level of care. It was wonderful! I knew it was important to still have some "couple" time with my husband after the baby and my husband and I had a fairly regular date nights, but there was no "me" time.
The first time I was "alone" after my son was born, he was 8 months old, and I was driving to my company's main office. The office is only an hour and a half drive from our home and the only time I had alone was the drive there and back. I know, I know..... not exactly "me" time! But, it was in that moment when I realized it was the first time I had been alone without my son or without my husband since my son's birth. Crazy, right? I hadn't so much as had a hair cut or been to a doctor's appointment alone.... nothing! It was a beautiful day and I really did enjoy driving down the country roads, windows down, listening to the radio. It was nice, but I quickly felt guilty for enjoying my time away from my family.
Was there something wrong with me? Was I a bad mother or wife because I was enjoying the freedom I felt on that peaceful car ride? No!! There was nothing wrong with that! Everyone needs a little "me" time! It doesn't make you a bad mother or a bad wife! Unfortunately, I still didn't realize that! The next year and a half was riddled with very little "me" time.
When our little girl was born, our son was 22 months old. The first few months were a whirlwind! Our big boy was into everything! He's always been adventurous and he was at the perfect age to really keep us on our toes! Add a newborn into that mix and we were all exhausted! Right away we knew that our baby girl was going to have a rough start! She spent her first night hooked to an IV and in the nursery under the warmer, by her third night she was being treated for jaundice, and despite being released on day 4, we ended up back in the hospital on day 5 for more jaundice treatment. She was also having trouble eating. We recognized it right away and despite our concerns at the hospital, nothing was done. We were told it was because of her jaundice, but it proved to be more serious over the next several weeks. We ended up seeing our pediatrician weekly for weight checks for the first few months, having various tests done, and seeing a specialist at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital. It was stressful to say the least!
My husband has battled depression for several years and despite having been medication free and feeling good for a long time, it was evident that our totally blessed, but stressful, life was becoming a lot for him to handle. So I realized the need for him to have some time outside of the home other than work, doing something that he would enjoy. I encouraged him to join our local volunteer fire department and it has been great for him. He enjoys it, it gives him a little bit of time each week to just be a guy, to not have to worry about the pressures of being a husband, a father, or an employee. He's still here for his family and in many ways, it is a benefit for our family. It helps to relieve some of his stress and allows him to enjoy the time he does get to spend at home with our family a little bit more. Our big boy looks up to him for his service on the fire department and thinks it's awesome that daddy is a firefighter! It gives me a little time to spend alone with the kids and our family dynamic is a little different on the nights that it's just us!
It was still several months after my husband joined the fire department before I realized how important it was for both parents to have a little "me" time. It was easy for me to see how my husband needed this time, but I struggled to see that I needed it to. I thought that it mean I was weak or selfish, not a good mother, somehow I justified in my mind that it was more acceptable that my husband needed his time than for me to need my time. But, we all need a way to unwind and relieve our stress. To meet those needs in our own lives improves our health and our happiness and in turn improves the relationships with those close to us.
For me, I enjoy crafting. It doesn't matter what I'm making, it just feels good to make something pretty! It is completely opposite from what I do all day at work and it helps me unwind! So this year, as part of my New Year, Better Me resolution, I'm making a commitment to set aside a few hours one night a week to craft, to spend some time doing something I want to do because I like to do it, not because I have to do it! Wish me luck! :)
I work at home and was lucky enough to have family help us out with my son for the first year! It was great having him at home! I was just a room away at all times, I never missed any of his "firsts", and I had no worries about his level of care. It was wonderful! I knew it was important to still have some "couple" time with my husband after the baby and my husband and I had a fairly regular date nights, but there was no "me" time.
The first time I was "alone" after my son was born, he was 8 months old, and I was driving to my company's main office. The office is only an hour and a half drive from our home and the only time I had alone was the drive there and back. I know, I know..... not exactly "me" time! But, it was in that moment when I realized it was the first time I had been alone without my son or without my husband since my son's birth. Crazy, right? I hadn't so much as had a hair cut or been to a doctor's appointment alone.... nothing! It was a beautiful day and I really did enjoy driving down the country roads, windows down, listening to the radio. It was nice, but I quickly felt guilty for enjoying my time away from my family.
Was there something wrong with me? Was I a bad mother or wife because I was enjoying the freedom I felt on that peaceful car ride? No!! There was nothing wrong with that! Everyone needs a little "me" time! It doesn't make you a bad mother or a bad wife! Unfortunately, I still didn't realize that! The next year and a half was riddled with very little "me" time.
When our little girl was born, our son was 22 months old. The first few months were a whirlwind! Our big boy was into everything! He's always been adventurous and he was at the perfect age to really keep us on our toes! Add a newborn into that mix and we were all exhausted! Right away we knew that our baby girl was going to have a rough start! She spent her first night hooked to an IV and in the nursery under the warmer, by her third night she was being treated for jaundice, and despite being released on day 4, we ended up back in the hospital on day 5 for more jaundice treatment. She was also having trouble eating. We recognized it right away and despite our concerns at the hospital, nothing was done. We were told it was because of her jaundice, but it proved to be more serious over the next several weeks. We ended up seeing our pediatrician weekly for weight checks for the first few months, having various tests done, and seeing a specialist at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital. It was stressful to say the least!
My husband has battled depression for several years and despite having been medication free and feeling good for a long time, it was evident that our totally blessed, but stressful, life was becoming a lot for him to handle. So I realized the need for him to have some time outside of the home other than work, doing something that he would enjoy. I encouraged him to join our local volunteer fire department and it has been great for him. He enjoys it, it gives him a little bit of time each week to just be a guy, to not have to worry about the pressures of being a husband, a father, or an employee. He's still here for his family and in many ways, it is a benefit for our family. It helps to relieve some of his stress and allows him to enjoy the time he does get to spend at home with our family a little bit more. Our big boy looks up to him for his service on the fire department and thinks it's awesome that daddy is a firefighter! It gives me a little time to spend alone with the kids and our family dynamic is a little different on the nights that it's just us!
It was still several months after my husband joined the fire department before I realized how important it was for both parents to have a little "me" time. It was easy for me to see how my husband needed this time, but I struggled to see that I needed it to. I thought that it mean I was weak or selfish, not a good mother, somehow I justified in my mind that it was more acceptable that my husband needed his time than for me to need my time. But, we all need a way to unwind and relieve our stress. To meet those needs in our own lives improves our health and our happiness and in turn improves the relationships with those close to us.
For me, I enjoy crafting. It doesn't matter what I'm making, it just feels good to make something pretty! It is completely opposite from what I do all day at work and it helps me unwind! So this year, as part of my New Year, Better Me resolution, I'm making a commitment to set aside a few hours one night a week to craft, to spend some time doing something I want to do because I like to do it, not because I have to do it! Wish me luck! :)
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Making Memories in the Everyday Moments
I've always wished that I had a beautiful singing voice, but the reality is that I sing horribly off key! I hate the sound of my own voice! As I was putting my big boy to bed a few nights ago he says, "Mommy, I want you right here," cuddles up close to me and wraps his tiny arms around my neck. Once he's comfortable, he goes on to say, "Mommy, sing to me, sing Amazing Grace!" As I'm singing, I'm thinking to myself about how horrible I sound and then I realize, to my babies it's beautiful, loving, and comforting. It's just one of the ways my amazing children feel my love for them. It's just one way they feel protected - safe and secure. They'll grow up fast enough and soon they'll know how horrible I sound, but for now they just hear my songs for the love that it is. It was in this moment that I realized how precious this time with my kids really is.
I recently met someone who lets her son cry himself to sleep every night. She's so wrapped up in her electronics that it doesn't bother her. She sends him to bed and screams at him from the next room to go to bed over his cries while she's surfing Facebook or Instagram. Eventually, this 3 year old boy will adjust and he'll learn to soothe himself and go to sleep, maybe. I know many other kids his age that lay and go to sleep on their own. They were trained to do that at an early age. Maybe this is the right way to parent, I'm no expert! But, it's not the right way for me or for my family! It would kill me to go through this every night.
We've made some poor choices with our bed time routines! So I'm the last person to give advice! For the first year of our big boy's life I spent hours holding him after he fell asleep. It was my favorite part of the day. Nothing is more precious than a sleeping baby and nothing made me happier than holding and kissing all over him after a long day! Because of my need to hold him close at night while he slept, he never learned to self soothe! We still lay down with him and sing him to sleep!
When he was born we were extremely worried about SIDS, like I assume all parents are, and we followed all of the pediatrician's advice for the first 6 months of his life. He slept in his own bed, no loose blankets, had a paci, slept on his back, you know... everything they tell you when you bring a baby home. After 6 months he outgrew the bed he was in and it was time to transition him to his crib. Early on we had no success with the crib and that's how he ended up sleeping in a Rock n Play sleeper for 6 months to begin with. So we knew the transition would be rough, but we were committed (at first)! After a few weeks of no sleep, we caved! He ended up in our bed! We swore it was only for a few nights, but 2 & 1/2 years later he's still there!
Baby girl is still sleeping good on her own, so maybe she won't need to be in our bed. But, our son did. He still does. We're slowly transitioning him into his own bed. He has this amazing fire truck bed with a slide! What kid doesn't want to slide out of bed in the morning? He loves the slide... he just wishes it was on mommy's bed! Even though baby girl still sleeps on her own, she doesn't really self soothe either! Every night we lay down with our children and put them to sleep. Our big boy usually chooses if he wants Mommy or Daddy to lay down with him and then the other puts baby girl to bed. Then, if we're not too tired, we get up and have a little bit of down time before bed!
The truth is, before we had kids we both agreed we didn't want them sleeping in our bed for many reasons and we were determined to stick to that. Before we had kids!! There's a lot of things I didn't know before I had kids, a lot of things I swore I wouldn't do when I did have kids. Now, I wouldn't change a thing. There's still nothing more precious than a sleeping baby (or toddler!) I don't sleep as good as I used to, but that's ok! They are only going to be little once. I'm only going to be able to make these memories for a short amount of time. There's nothing more precious than the smile on his face or the sound of his voice when he wakes up and says "good morning, I love you"! Sure, it would still be precious from his room! But, he'll have far more days waking up in his bed than he's going to have waking up in mine! I'm sure when that time comes, they'll be something so special about it that I won't want anything to change. Kids grow and they change, quickly, I might add. These moments only last for a short time. I don't want to be so absorbed in social media, electronics, tv, or any other distraction that I let these little moments pass me by. This year is about making memories and cherishing the small, everyday moments. In the end, those are the ones that matter! That's what life is about!
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Healthier Life
As part of my "New Year, Better Me" resolution, I'm trying to be healthier. I've struggled with weight problems my whole life. It's always made me very self-conscious and uncomfortable in groups and in front of people and has caused more than a few fights with my husband when we're in a hurry to get somewhere and I don't like how any of my clothes fit!
My parents and my husband have always tried to help me and are very supportive. Especially during my teen years, I didn't always take well to the help I was being offered. Sometimes it just made me feel worse about myself and caused me to eat more. I'm the only member of my immediate family with a serious weight problem, so I never felt like anyone else understood. How could they possibly understand something that they've never had to battle? In some ways I suppose I was right, they don't fully understand, but they've always had the right intentions. It's not about how I look, it's about how healthy of a life I'm living. It is about me being able to do all of the things that my heart desires without being limited by my weight. All of their help was, and still is, done out of love! I guess with age and maturity I can understand that better now!
So here we are at the start of another weight loss endeavor! The first week was successful... I lost 2 pounds! It's not anything to do flips for, but it's better than nothing and since the numbers on my scales have only went up this past year it felt great! I was also snowed in for 4 days of the first week, so there was basically no activity! Spring is around the corner and hopefully I'll be down a few pounds and able to get out and get active! My babies are still little, my big boy is about to turn 3 and he's so active and happy! My baby girl is only 1 and even though she's not walking yet, she keeps us on our toes! Last spring with a newborn and a two year old I felt defeated when I thought about carving out some exercise time! But, this spring it's time to get outside! Get active in whatever way I can and interact with my kids while I'm doing it!
Last night we went to the grocery to grab a few things, I grabbed some weight loss shakes for breakfast and my big boy ask what they were. He's very inquisitive and it's a good thing! It makes him smart, but it also helps us connect with him. When the hubby answered saying that "mommy was going on a diet," he wanted to know why. My answer was quick and easy, "so mommy can play with you more and have more fun, do you like that?" With a big smile he quickly shouted "yeah!" It melted my heart... he has no idea yet that I'm not fun or that I can't play with him the way I want to! He doesn't realize that my weight prevents me from doing things that I would otherwise be able to do with him. For him, every little interaction we have together is special and I want to make so many wonderful memories with him and little sister too! This is why I want to conquer my weight problems once and for all! For my babies! It's not a diet now... it's a lifestyle change! It's going to take some time and I'm sure I'll fall off the wagon a few times along the way, but I'm praying that it's different this time. I'm praying that God picks me back up when I fall! I'm praying for God's help, to give me the strength to make a better life for my family! I've tried on my own and failed so many times. This time, I'm relying on God to guide my journey and my family to support me through all of the ups and downs. This time it's not just for me, the purpose is much bigger than that!
My parents and my husband have always tried to help me and are very supportive. Especially during my teen years, I didn't always take well to the help I was being offered. Sometimes it just made me feel worse about myself and caused me to eat more. I'm the only member of my immediate family with a serious weight problem, so I never felt like anyone else understood. How could they possibly understand something that they've never had to battle? In some ways I suppose I was right, they don't fully understand, but they've always had the right intentions. It's not about how I look, it's about how healthy of a life I'm living. It is about me being able to do all of the things that my heart desires without being limited by my weight. All of their help was, and still is, done out of love! I guess with age and maturity I can understand that better now!
So here we are at the start of another weight loss endeavor! The first week was successful... I lost 2 pounds! It's not anything to do flips for, but it's better than nothing and since the numbers on my scales have only went up this past year it felt great! I was also snowed in for 4 days of the first week, so there was basically no activity! Spring is around the corner and hopefully I'll be down a few pounds and able to get out and get active! My babies are still little, my big boy is about to turn 3 and he's so active and happy! My baby girl is only 1 and even though she's not walking yet, she keeps us on our toes! Last spring with a newborn and a two year old I felt defeated when I thought about carving out some exercise time! But, this spring it's time to get outside! Get active in whatever way I can and interact with my kids while I'm doing it!
Last night we went to the grocery to grab a few things, I grabbed some weight loss shakes for breakfast and my big boy ask what they were. He's very inquisitive and it's a good thing! It makes him smart, but it also helps us connect with him. When the hubby answered saying that "mommy was going on a diet," he wanted to know why. My answer was quick and easy, "so mommy can play with you more and have more fun, do you like that?" With a big smile he quickly shouted "yeah!" It melted my heart... he has no idea yet that I'm not fun or that I can't play with him the way I want to! He doesn't realize that my weight prevents me from doing things that I would otherwise be able to do with him. For him, every little interaction we have together is special and I want to make so many wonderful memories with him and little sister too! This is why I want to conquer my weight problems once and for all! For my babies! It's not a diet now... it's a lifestyle change! It's going to take some time and I'm sure I'll fall off the wagon a few times along the way, but I'm praying that it's different this time. I'm praying that God picks me back up when I fall! I'm praying for God's help, to give me the strength to make a better life for my family! I've tried on my own and failed so many times. This time, I'm relying on God to guide my journey and my family to support me through all of the ups and downs. This time it's not just for me, the purpose is much bigger than that!
New Year... Better Me!
New Year, New You! That's what we hear over and over for weeks surrounding the new year, everyone makes resolutions and few people ever stick with them... myself included! But, this year I can't seem to get that phrase out of my head, "New Year, New You"! I don't want to become a "new me", I want to become a "better me"! All I can think about is making this year a year to become healthier and happier! A healthy, happy person makes for a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter, a better friend.... you get the picture! It's important! It's important to me and it's important to everyone who cares about me! I'm starting this blog to help me stay focused on my dreams. Writing it down makes it all seem more real, so I'm starting this blog to be accountable to myself! Honestly, I'll probably be the only person to read it! But, that's ok! Like I said, this is for me!
My mind races constantly with ways I want to change my life. Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty AMAZING! I have a great husband and the two most wonderful children in the world! I also have a great supportive family and friends that I can truly count on for anything! God's blessed me far more than I could ever deserve! These people are the driving force behind my desire to change my life; I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend! They deserve it... and I deserve it!
So this year... and this blog... is going to be about making memories, getting healthier, and hopefully making dreams come true! This is for me.. for my babies, for my husband, my family, and my friends! I'm not in this alone!
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