I've always been extremely self conscious. So bad that it keeps me from trying new things that I think I would even enjoy. My fear is that I won't be good at it or that I will look stupid. I guess my real fear is what the people who see me do it will think. Isn't that dumb?!
I suppose that most of us are this way to some degree, of course like me, some of us are worse than others. I'm around people who don't have a problem making a ridiculous face for a picture and posting it on Facebook while I had from the camera afraid that any shot that is taken of me is going to be horrible and embarrassing if seen by anyone! I see people try new activities and fail and laugh at themselves and no one makes fun of them, but I'm completely terrified that I will look so completely ridiculous or do something so horribly that everyone thinks differently of me. Is it just me? Am I the only one who feels this way?
I always did well in school, so when it comes to academics or something that requires me to use my brain I don't really feel this way. Except for English! LOL! My small town Kentucky slang usually shines through! I don't struggle with my self esteem when it comes to these things because there's a way to measure if you're acceptable or not. You're graded, quizzed, and tested all through school. Professionals score you, you're directly compared to the person next to you, you know if you did better, worse, or the same as someone else. After a while, you're able to establish a pattern and you know where you stand. I like that feeling.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I love to craft. I love it and I dabble in a little bit of everything. In the last few months for example, I've made Christmas ornaments, baby hairbands and hair bows, paci clips, bottle cap magnets, wreaths, burlap banners and garden flags and am patiently trying to teach myself how to sew - though it's not real clear if I'll ever be able to sew more than a pillow case! I enjoy making these things and trying new things all the time. But, until recently I've only made things for myself or my mom and sister. I love to craft, but I'm so afraid to put my stuff out there. So scared of the feedback I'll receive or possibly even worse, the lack of feedback! What if no one likes it? What if it isn't good enough?
A few weeks ago my aunt ask me to make a wreath for her friend at work. Of course, I was excited! It gave me a reason to craft! Then as soon as I got started on it the fear set in. What if she hates it? What if it's not what she wanted? I was terrified! But, I made it anyway. Guess what.... she loved it! At least I think she did! And the people in her office, they loved it too!!! You know how I know? I've had a request to make 3 more identical to the first one! What was I so afraid of?
I'm going to try to put it all out there! It's going to be hard and I'll probably talk myself out of it a few times before I go through with it, but I'm going to put some pictures on Facebook or open an Etsy store. I know we all have different tastes and I know not everyone likes the same things and maybe not everyone will like the things I'm making, but as long as I like them, that should be good enough for me. I need to love myself before I can really let other people love me. So, I'll spend more time in prayer about this and trust whatever path God leads me down.
